Unmasking My Core Wound: How "I Am Not Wanted" Shaped My Reality

This year I learnt what it means to fully surrender to the aspects of awareness that guide us. I have no doubt that we are beings only temporarily in physical form and we are never separated from the love and support we need to see us through pain, suffering or heartbreak.

Living in sobriety and focusing on my awareness practices, I've been in a prolonged period of existential crisis, which has felt like an anguish of the spirit. Over the past 18 months,under the surface I have been stressed and anxious due to the level of unresovled emotional pain.

I have been floundering around in these waves, processing my feelings as though my life depended on it. Coming up for air and being open at times and then closing up again under the intense mental pressure that would come crashing down on me. I would feel (but no longer believe) that I was drowning again in the emotional waters.

But I had made the comment, I knew that any deep unhappiness was not going to change unless I changed something about my life and myself.

Awakening from this level of awareness that has held me in my recent suffering, I witness just how sensitive I am. I have found it challenging to be around most people, the level of feelings and sensations I experience are sometimes so intense. Being mindful, I found ever more challenges within my day-to-day functioning and relating to others. At times my healing journey has seemed endless and there have been stages when I thought my descent was a sign of longer lasting deterioration.

Through shadow work I discovered my biggest shadow has been an insidious sense of inadequacy which has fuelled a level of self doubt that has limited me for years. Added to this, my two major core wounds 'I am not wanted' & 'I am worthless' have governed my decision making and formed lenses through which I have viewed myself and the world.

A core wound is something that can shape our life in ways that we may not even comprehend. A heavy burden that for many years, unconsciously impacted my behaviour, mental health, and the direction of my entire life.

For the longest time, I carried these beliefs like an invisible anchor, dragging me down, shrouding my perception of myself and the world. But how did this core wound develop, and what were its implications?

The Genesis of "I Am Not Wanted":

My journey with this core wound traces back to my earliest years, when I experienced abandonment as I was given away for adoption by my biological mother. This experience of loss lays the foundation for pain and disruptive beliefs. It's essential to remember that core wounds often sprout due to no fault of our own. They are a result of life's unpredictability and sometimes the struggles of those around us.

Layered onto this experience of abandonment was the absence of a biological father, and the experience of feeling often separated as a marginalised individual. In my case, early experiences of rejection, racism and emotional neglect etched the notion of exclusion into my psyche. As I grew up I internalised feelings of being ignored, allowing them to define my sense of self. The belief that "I am not wanted" became a silent drive, beneath a personality that was rebellious and desperately struggled to fit in through being entertaining and creative.

In not having my emotional experience identified, I saw that the only way to show-up, was to aim to fit in with the cultural norms or react against them. Leaning into my rebelious side, the essence of ‘I am not wanted’ turned into a teenaged ‘fuck you, I don’t want you either’ attitude that found it’s escape through drugs and the club scene of the mid-late nineties.

The Impact on My Behaviour:

This core wound acted as a puppeteer, pulling my strings behind the scenes. I can now see how it manifested in various aspects of my behaviour:

Repression: In a desperate attempt to prove my worth, I became a performer wanting to please others or fall into the projection of being different by enhancing my impulsivity and acting-out. I believed that my reactive nature was akin to living in the moment and being open to life. However, this only led to anxiety, mental health disruptions and self-abandonment. The pain of my wound stopped me from sitting with myself and being self reflective which over time had an impact on my development.

Social Anxiety: I found myself constantly striving to fit in with others, fearing that if I didn't, they'd confirm my worthlessness. My boundaries were blurred, and I lost touch with what felt safe. Often simply following along with what others around me wanted to do, leaving decision making down to others. I neglected really getting to know who I was which kept me in a cycle of longing for more with the capacity for superficiality.

The Toll on My Mental Health:

The impact on my mental health was undeniable. This core wound perpetuated cycles of depression, anxiety, and denial. I lived with a constant need to block out the world, needing to protect myself due to feeling unsupported. I continually sought to avoid facing the real depth of my pain.

It took a toll on my relationships, as well. My fear of rejection led to walls that prevented true connection. Vulnerability was a foreign concept. I felt undeserving of love and happiness.

I realised that my core wounds of 'I am not wanted' and 'I don't matter' have underpinned the language defining my experiences of feeling separated from love. As an adult much of my behaviour has been around seeking an idea of connection that could heal this wound of separation. The more I would reach for moments that reminded me of a lost connection to Love the more I was also reminded of separation in some way and so would experience some pain/fear/disruption. There was nothing in the external world that could heal the wound.

Only by bringing awareness to that wounded part of myself and allowing the breath to return there whilst affirming a completeness rather than the duality of have/have not, was I able to dissolve the wound in my body and begin to liberate myself from the grip of the consciousness attached to my core wounds.

Unmasking the Lie:

It was only when I began my journey of self-discovery, diving into shadow work and exploring my core beliefs, that I began to unmask this lies of the core wounds that echoed in my mind. I had to question the validity of "I am not wanted." Why should a few experiences define my whole life? I realised that I don’t need to walk my own path from a place of pain and anger. I can work towards what I want for myself and have less expectations about what others should give me.

Healing this core wound is an ongoing process. It involves self-compassion, self-acceptance, and the gradual rewiring of my beliefs. Self-observation, mindfulness, and processing my emotions have been instrumental. In the last couple of weeks I have experienced a couple of moments of conscious healing so deeply profound that I feel they will shape the rest of my life. While our past experiences may want to lead the way, they don't define us. I am able to see a life beyond these deep wounds. I can see how resourceful I am and can appreciate my creative value. I am being very patient with myself, moving slowly and peacefully forward.

We have the power to reclaim our wholeness

, reshape our lives, and become the authors of our own stories. Remember, you are worthy of love, happiness, and everything good this world has to offer.